Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh no.

We're almost finished with Asia and will head down under in a few short weeks. We're ready to communicate in English (well, Australian) but will miss affordable pampering. As such, I tip my 40 oz. to the varied and sometimes painful therapeutic services rendered in this hemisphere.

China – The Chinese are really good at foot reflexology and, like everything, they take it way seriously. Any neighborhood salon will offer insanely thorough, highly painful treatment for about $7/hour. The Chinese have these treatments regularly to maintain general balance and well being. Reflexology can hurt, but I enjoy it and find the connection between the bottoms of my feet and the rest of my body fascinating. Often the therapist hit on a pressure point that made my stomach flip, or my arm stiffen, or my face relax. It feels more medical and, thus, beneficial than most massage. The bummer is that each time I had reflexology I felt awful afterward. The toxins that are broken up during the treatment (along with my reserves of MSG) release into the blood stream and then I have to lie down. That said, if I could do 1 thing every week and experience cumulative results, this is what I'd choose.

Korea – Jimjilbangs are the way. Huge complexes with 5-10 floors of baths, saunas, movie theaters, restaurants, mini golf, bars, roof terraces, and treatment rooms. I love the variety of baths; hot, cold, jasmine, salt, jets, wood tubs, stone tubs, outdoors, etc. Its weirdly calming to spend several hours wandering from sauna to pool to sauna, pausing only to be scrubbed by a lady wearing oven mitts made of Brillo pads, and beaten with a palm frond. I'm not sure I felt long term effects, but there are worse ways to spend a Wednesday.

Thailand – Thai massage is a unique practice. Done clothed, its like partner yoga with the masseuse using her weight to leverage yours. I love Thai massage, though its far more active than any other I've had. About $6-10/hr for a high-quality place, a lot of massage joints have only sheets separating the beds or are completely open air. I've seen a few where the beds look out onto ocean/mountains/river in pretty locales. The therapists are often sweet and exceptionally tiny girls. But they're suprisingly, freakishly strong. They work hard to stretch and lift and manipulate our big 'Merican bodies, and they're tired and sweaty at the end just like we are. One girl that I saw a few times on Lanta would crouch behind me at the end of the massage and pull my back over her knees, cracking every vertebrae on the way down. Then she would giggle, and hug me around the shoulders and whisper "feeneesh."  Love.

Vietnam – Massage in Vietnam is a combination of Acupressure, Shiatsu, and a little Thai. Like everything in Vietnam, the therapists do exactly and only what is required so the customer doesn't complain. The massages aren't bad, and one place Gabe took us was actually quite nice. But on our own we had the typical Vietnam experience: 55 minutes instead of an hour, long unexplained breaks, a few cell phone conversations during the treatment. Not the best.

Cambodia – The Khmer have an understandable chip on their shoulder because their kingdom used to be all-powerful and then several surrounding countries invaded and nicked their ideas, traditions and artifacts. Cambodians claim that Khmer massage gave birth to Thai massage, which is a lesser imitation. For my money, Khmer is probably my favorite stylistically and made me most lump-of-clay-monosyllabic. Less like a midevil torture rack than Thai, technically superior to Vietnamese, not as painful as Chinese. Hard and thorough, it was the perfect way to end a day of templing in 100 degree weather.

Funnily, I wrote this before we went out today and we ended up having massages this afternoon at a joint in downtown Pai.  Clearly I'm serious about research and accurate reporting.  Like the Fox News team, but for a blog.  Perhaps a first?